“I felt like a gay guy in a woman’s body” (wanted_a_pony)

Well, and not just “cute gay boys”–the RL bi/gay men I’m attracted to are older (I’m 48) and not usually what society considers cute or hunky or what-have-you. I’m attracted to them because they’re (1) “my type” [literate, smart, kind, etc.], (2) adults who identify as male [usually but not always “outies”] and (3) able to establish a sexual relationship with another man [e.g., gay]. How they are gay, what they think it means to be gay or bi, can vary.

If that seems too fuzzy, it’s because decades have taught me that there are as many exceptions as there are rules to the definitions we try to use. I use myself as an example. I thought by mid-teenagehood I was gay, my first lover was a girl & I loved women deeply. I was always ready to consider male lovers, though, since it was just so much easier to follow society’s expectations & since I really did find them exciting, if mysterious. I ended up married at 21 to a fellow, at least partly because he was actively bi & liked that I was too. While I was married I began to hang with a best friend who was a very gay male [about a Kinsey 5], & after my divorce I loved to go “boy watching” with him & generally crush on him & his friends. I joke that my gay friend “turned me straight”: other romantic relationships with men followed & I began to think I should just settle for a mainly heterosexual identity.

About 10 years ago, after I’d committed to my current husband, we both had medical & psychological issues that seriously derailed our sex life to the point where I began to reexamine my basic desires. I discovered I still “felt” more gay than straight, but I wasn’t sexually interested in most women. I still found men exciting, & I still loved hanging out with gay guys. What I really wanted to be was one of those guys. I felt like a gay guy in a woman’s body. If I wasn’t majorly in love with my pretty-hopelessly-heterosexual husband, & if anatomically-complete F2M procedures weren’t out of my reach, I would do my damnedest to transition to a male body & then date men.

Ironically I first encountered the word girlfag about 2 months ago. I’ve spent 47 years getting to the point of recognizing, as soon as I read it, “Oh, that’s a good summary of what I’m feeling.” It’s just a shorthand, subject to misunderstanding & differences of definition. I imagine I’ll continue to evolve; perhaps I’ll identify as primarily-something-else a year or 3 from now. I’m not surprised other people can’t figure it out, when it took me so long. I’m not surprised when others try to define me differently, when I defined myself differently for most of my life. It doesn’t make them right, necessarily, but all I can do is try to stay aware of how I feel & try to explain/present/experience myself authentically.

Really, when you start with the difficulties of human psychology & experiences, & add language confusions & societal expectations & all the other stuff that makes up our ideas about sex & sexual identity, it’s a wonder we ever figure out what other people are talking about! You just have to try, & keep in mind that some people just can’t be convinced or won’t accept what you want to say, & then you have to decide whether to try a different tack or give it up & move on. I hope you find folks who hear & are glad about who you are!